Older and slower

As a person gets older, aren’t some things supposed to get easier? Although in many ways I feel like I’m getting more confident, more sure of myself, more certain of who I am and what I’m trying to do with my life, I seem to be stymied these days about what I want. All of a sudden there are so many tough decisions to make, and I don’t know which way to turn.

The first tough crossroads has got to be having kids. I’m (almost) the last one out of all my friends to have them. What is it about those other people that made them jump into the life-altering decision earlier than me? I’m a stable fence-sitter in this regard – I just can’t seem to be able to make up my mind one way or another. I’m loathe to give up the life that I have, but everybody keeps telling me that having children – for them – has been a decision that they’ve never regretted. How can I be sure I’d feel the same?

The next decision, which is in many ways related to the first one, is buying a house. In many parts of Canada this is an easy decision. Even we bought our first house in another province very quickly – we only really looked at about ten places, and – voila! – there was the one we wanted and we bought it. Here, in Victoria, the decision is not so easy. It’s at least double the price that we’re used to, and the locations that are available for what we can afford are abysmal. Do we buy something big enough to fit our future kids (ha!) some day in an area of town that we like, stretching our budget to the absolute limit? The Catch 22 is that the payments for said house will put us in the poor house when we take a maternity leave to actually have the aforementioned kids. What’s a regular wage-earnin’ couple to do?

Mull over every possible option, that’s what. Guess, second-guess and second-guess some more. We’re racked with indecision about the best course of action to take. Fairy Godmother needed please! Preferably one that can see into the future to see whether house prices will go up, up and away or not? Maybe she can tell us if we’re meant to have kids too. (Is this why some people get pregnant by “accident”?)

So at a time when I’m supposed to be getting older and wiser, I simply feel like I’m getting older. And maybe even a bit slower. Slower to make decisions, for sure. The ones that we’re thinking about these days (ominous organ sounds, please) are momentous, life-changing ones that shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Maybe we’re taking this all too seriously. Maybe we’re thinking too hard or too much. Is this just a phase or does the rest of life turn out to be this difficult? A tide of important decisions has come in. I just hope I catch the right wave going out.

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